When you hear of someone who has been in an abusive relationship, the thought that might pop into your mind, (if you have no experience on the matter is….) “How did they let it go that far” “I wouldn’t put up with that””Why don’t they just leave?”
But unless you have walked in the footsteps of someone who was abused and came out the other side will you understand the psychology of it, because it’s far more psychological (invisible) whereas what everyone hears about is the physical side.
Think about this analogy, if you put a frog into boiling hot water and it will jump straight out, right? But if you put it in cold water and gradually turn up the heat, it won’t realise what’ going on and it will slowly boil to death. It’s the same in an abusive relationship. If he/she was to be abusive from the very beginning, you would see those red warnings and be out of there so fast!
instead, It will start off AMAZING and you will be treated like a goddess. Then, as soon as you move onto the next phase then the small little comments will start. The abuser will see if you accept it, and if you do then they will continue until it becomes normal for you to hear them. The more you hear them, the more you believe them and the moulding you has begun! They will be so subtle that you won’t realise it is the beginning of control and brainwashing. The comments will be increased to disagreements, to arguments, and because everything was amazing at the start you believe it’s your fault for “changing” because you were “attracting attention by wearing make-up” or “being selfish for staying in a friends for too long” and that is when your self esteem will be taken from you bit by bit.
I believe my ex was attracted to me because at the time, I didn’t know who I was. I had low self esteem and felt like I had no identity. I was like an empty shell. That is SUPER attractive to the abuser as he/she can give you an identity and mould you into how he/she wants you to be, look , act, behave and so on! Basically to turn you into an identity that’s not really, ‘you’. When the abuser makes you feel negative and low about yourself, this makes you feel weak because you believe it, and you believe it because you felt like you didn’t know who you were to begin with, so you took on their belief about who you are. It’s a constant cycle over and over again. They all use similar phrases such as “You make me so angry” “It’s your fault””You’re a disgrace”. Your mind processes those comments as though they are true now and you think even less of yourself.
Remember at the start of your relationship when you told them your most sensitive, personal, traumatic, sad stories? What do they do with that knowledge? They use it as an emotional weapon JUST to hurt you…because they know how to get to you. They know your triggers and all they want is to make you feel as hurt as they are. And remember they were already hurt before you came along. They just needed enough time to anchor you in with the first phase. Bottom line is that they need to be in control constantly. They need to lash out and be angry due to the stress THEY are building up in themselves. I used to go non verbal whenever he got mad at me….He would shout and shout while I looked at my hands and disconnected and remained silent, waiting for him to stop and leave the room. He WOULD leave the room, then come back and shout some more. Bare in mind I did NOTHING to fuel his anger. The psychology of it is, is that he couldn’t control himself so he lashed out saying the most hurtful things to me….he got his inner relief then left the room. Once it built up in him again he came back in and yelled some more. His subconscious goal was to make me feel as low as him. If I didn’t answer back, he won as he felt in control. If I lashed back with anger he also won as it was giving him reasons to be angry.
Angry people are weak..What’s actually happening here is that the abuser was feeling all of this negativity for a very long time, most likely since childhood and ‘you’ had an empty cup for them to fill their shit with…… THEIR SHIT” They would get temporary release from lashing out their anger which had been building up.