Signs of Domestic Abuse

When you hear of someone who has been in an abusive relationship, the thought that might pop into your mind, (if you have no experience on the matter is….) “How did they let it go that far” “I wouldn’t put up with that””Why don’t they just leave?”
But unless you have walked in the footsteps of someone who was abused and came out the other side will you understand the psychology of it, because it’s far more psychological (invisible) whereas what everyone hears about is the physical side.

Think about this analogy, if you put a frog into boiling hot water and it will jump straight out, right? But if you put it in cold water and gradually turn up the heat, it won’t realise what’ going on and it will slowly boil to death. It’s the same in an abusive relationship. If he/she was to be abusive from the very beginning, you would see those red warnings and be out of there so fast!

instead, It will start off AMAZING and you will be treated like a goddess. Then, as soon as you move onto the next phase then the small little comments will start. The abuser will see if you accept it, and if you do then they will continue until it becomes normal for you to hear them. The more you hear them, the more you believe them and the moulding you has begun! They will be so subtle that you won’t realise it is the beginning of control and brainwashing. The comments will be increased to disagreements, to arguments, and because everything was amazing at the start you believe it’s your fault for “changing” because you were “attracting attention by wearing make-up” or “being selfish for staying in a friends for too long” and that is when your self esteem will be taken from you bit by bit.

I believe my ex was attracted to me because at the time, I didn’t know who I was. I had low self esteem and felt like I had no identity. I was like an empty shell. That is SUPER attractive to the abuser as he/she can give you an identity and mould you into how he/she wants you to be, look , act, behave and so on! Basically to turn you into an identity that’s not really, ‘you’. When the abuser makes you feel negative and low about yourself, this makes you feel weak because you believe it, and you believe it because you felt like you didn’t know who you were to begin with, so you took on their belief about who you are. It’s a constant cycle over and over again. They all use similar phrases such as “You make me so angry” “It’s your fault””You’re a disgrace”. Your mind processes those comments as though they are true now and you think even less of yourself.

Remember at the start of your relationship when you told them your most sensitive, personal, traumatic, sad stories? What do they do with that knowledge? They use it as an emotional weapon JUST to hurt you…because they know how to get to you. They know your triggers and all they want is to make you feel as hurt as they are. And remember they were already hurt before you came along. They just needed enough time to anchor you in with the first phase. Bottom line is that they need to be in control constantly. They need to lash out and be angry due to the stress THEY are building up in themselves. I used to go non verbal whenever he got mad at me….He would shout and shout while I looked at my hands and disconnected and remained silent, waiting for him to stop and leave the room. He WOULD leave the room, then come back and shout some more. Bare in mind I did NOTHING to fuel his anger. The psychology of it is, is that he couldn’t control himself so he lashed out saying the most hurtful things to me….he got his inner relief then left the room. Once it built up in him again he came back in and yelled some more. His subconscious goal was to make me feel as low as him. If I didn’t answer back, he won as he felt in control. If I lashed back with anger he also won as it was giving him reasons to be angry.

Angry people are weak..What’s actually happening here is that the abuser was feeling all of this negativity for a very long time, most likely since childhood and ‘you’ had an empty cup for them to fill their shit with…… THEIR SHIT” They would get temporary release from lashing out their anger which had been building up.

Eyes on the prize

When we decide on a goal on whatever that may be for you, it’s exciting. In the beginning we plan and we plan and we put so much energy, commitment and drive into it that we can really feel it happening. The door of our minds are open for us, letting us see and feel what we could have.Then what happens after a while? The ideas start to burn out and doors start to close..Why is this? Is this because when we FIRST had that goal, we had a rush of ONLY positive emotions which were AUTOMATICALLY fading out the negative ones? And now that the negative emotions are creeping back in such as ‘self doubt’ and that negative self talk such as “You can’t keep this up” start to pop back into your mind again AUTOMATICALLY closing off future ideas.Well see it for what it is. Take control again. Those thoughts are not really us and we can decide if they are being helpful or not!

Our thoughts are NOT real!

Our minds can literally be our best friend or our worst enemy DEPENDING on what mood it’s in. There are actually two of us. The real us which is the pure, non judgemental, free spirit us. What gets in the way of that is our thoughts that pop in regularly to help us or turn us away from something. They can make us feel good or they can make us absolutely tear into ourselves. It is so important to recognise this as not really us.

When we start a new habit, new behaviour or whatever it feels amazing. We feel free and that we are really on to something. Then the negative self talk creeps in, talking us out of it. Don’t listen to it though. It just doesn’t like change and wants to keep us in our comfort zone. The trick is that you have got to be consistent in order to get what you want and eventually those thoughts will fade away with each and every day of being consistent.

what narrow interests look like

My narrow interest look like…..

Well, when people ask me what it’s like to have narrow interests, this is what I would show them. Out of site, out of mind LITERALLY. This is why I can become obsessive about a particular topic, because it’s all I see and process in my life and nothing more will get in the way this does. I will read and watch everything about that topic until I lose interest, then, I will move onto something else. I would only talk about this topic with other people. If they changed the subject to something I wasn’t interested in, I would be gutted and lose interest with them and end the conversation politely.

Welcome to my inner world.

My name is Nicola I am a 30 something year old female (the last time I checked) and I want to share bits of my life with you. More-so experiences I have had in life, the thought process that comes with it, the repeatitive cycles of bad habits, and everything that has lead me to where I am today.

I’m going to be talking about some raw content , in no particular order: Mental Health, Anxiety, Depression, Losing Everything, gaining it back, Abusive relationships, Fitness, Career, Motherhood, Phobias, Feeling different to everyone else, not fitting in with society and Smashing goals!

I hope you will all get something out of what I’m about to share with you. My plan is to better my life and take you with me. I hope we all do well in life… I also hope that you are on this page because you want to improve your lives and change your own cycles for the better. It won’t be easy. It will be uncomfortable. There will be resistance, but it will be worth it.

Road Rage!

Why do we moan about things? We moan, get angry or impatient because we expect things to be a certain way in our minds. Everytime we moan or give a negative reaction, it’s harming us, it’s lowering our vibration which will then put us into a frequency for us to see only more things to moan about. It’s not a good cycle really is it?

I use to have bad road rage while driving because I was expecting everyone to me at my level of driving. I would react badly and shout if someone cut in front of me or didn’t indicate etc. simply because my mind wasn’t ready for it. I expect everyione to drive correctly.

Can I really change other driver’s behaviours while on the road? No that would be impossible. Could I accept it? Well yes I could actually. How can I just ‘accept it?’ By changing my focus, by consciously replace what thoughts I will put out there instead, before I even step into a car.

Old thoughts were (excuse the language ) “Indicate you prick” “Fucking asshole wanker” and “Who the fuck do you think you are dickhead” I had replaced those thoughts with something positive such as “I’m such a good driver I can avoid all obstacles” “Woah that was close but I acted fast” you get the gist of it. I can’t tell you what thoughts you should replace. You have to figure that out for yourself. You can use thaat in all situations of your life. You change your focus, you change your life.

What if you live with someone who has negative energy and moans a lot? I understand this completely. You’re trying to do well and improve your life but someone keeps draining the life out of you with their negative comments.. Again, you will change your focus….What you do is you will count everytime they throw a negative comment….then you are not taking it into you emotionally….. you are now the observer…it’s counting..it takes the emotion out of it….you are changing your focus now. You CAN shield yourself, you just need to know how.