Change comes from within. This all happened with the data you received making it’s way into your subconscious mind through repetition. If you can be programmed into your situation then you can re-program yourself out of it.
What’s really going on in that mind if yours? You won’t know for sure unless you start writing! Action is less likely to follow unless you’re writing stuff down though! The over thinking and fear of judgment during the writing phase is what can interrupt this process so be mindful of that. Write any helpful thoughts that pop up in your mind because they are in there! You might notice a helpful thought as it passes through your mind, but because you didn’t hold it with your hand and place it in your safe (write it down) it gets lost and mixed up again with your unhelpful thoughts. So now it’s clouded and you have the belief that you don’t have any helpful thoughts because of this. The change really does begin within you. Your mind already knows how to help you and it’s waiting for you to start writing out what it has to say to guide you right! The quote was from @oprah book “what I know for sure” book which I highly recommend reading!
You couldn’t help it. They were like your best friend. You felt a trust connection otherwise you wouldn’t have told them. It’s not your fault if this has happened to you. They are good at wearing a mask. It’s happening to sooo many people out there. You will come out of this on a journey to healing. You will end up stronger and more powerful than you had before you were the victim of a narcissist. They won’t!
This memory was about a couple of months after I ended it with the Narcissist. I had been teaching my then 4 year old the Irish words for colours, helping her to understand that we speak in the english language not Irish language and that we are Irish.
Anyway, the Narcissist was dropping her back one day and he had that look that made me think “he’s mad”.
I have no memory of where our daughter is at this point but he asking me while intimidating me if I had a new boyfriend. I told him I didn’t because that was the truth. “After experiencing Narcissistic abuse, the last thing I’d be wanting to do is jump into another relationship!” Anyway, he wasn’t believing me and he yelled “well why is our daughter telling me that she’s English, not Irish. Do you have her around an English bloke?”
I sat at the bottom stairs while he stood two metres away, then he kicked the carseat which had been by his foot and the carseat hit off my bare foot and causing a scratch.
That was just how paranoid he was and was still trying to break me down. I set a boundary that he wasn’t to come inside the house anymore (So I can close the door on his crap if he starts yelling again)
Boundaries are so important to protect yourself and start the healing process. Don’t try and be nice to them by letting them visit for the sake of the child. They will always tey and hurt you any way that they can. You are not being mean by creating this boundary. You are doing it to protect yourself.
This is going to happen in the next chapter once you put an end the abuse. The Narcissist is no longer in your life and yet you feel lost. Your mind feels like there is something missing. You are questioning whether you made the right decision and the self doubt still continues to stir inside your mind. You don’t know what to do and you feel really stuck and lost. The pain from the abuse might even begin to fade a little and you even start to miss them.
Again this is another mindf**k! What is happening is that your mind had been moulded by the Narcissist for so long that it got comfortable with being uncomfortable. So now that you have taken care of yourself physically, it’s time to take care of yourself psychologically and emotionally. There IS going to be a hole in your mind and it will need to be filled but Not by the Narc or finding a new partner because your mind will attract the same type because the neuropathways in your mind are still connected to narcissists and then you will wonder why you attract narcissists!
The hole needs to be filled with your own internal needs. What do you like to do? What are you good at? What kind of pages do you follow on Instagram that you felt connected to? Focus more on them! Go to the library and see what book stands out to you. Your mind will make it stand out to you so trust it. You can begin with the external like getting your hair done, massage etc then work your way in once you get the momentum going. Get to know yourself. Your true self wants to help and guide you but you NEED YOU TO NOTICE IT! Your true self has been inside you and you were unaware that you had been denying this of yourself.
This is what I fell for soooo many times. Those tears That hurt It broke me to see that I was “ruining someone’s life” or “ breaking up a family”. But what you need to be aware of is that before you was another person sitting in the same seat you are sitting in! They play this over and over again and yet they still refuse to look inwards. That’s not your responsibility. You are not hurting them by saving yourself. You are their trauma distraction! They want to drag you down and ruin your life. What’s more important? I know the situation, where you are so confused that you don’t know what’s right anymore so you give in because you can’t see any other options pulling you forward. Find them yourself! I will be posting tips about this in future posts. You have the answers within you. Keep trying!
They knew exactly what they were doing. They were well able to control their triggers while they were getting to know you. They gave a sneeky comment here and there to see if you wouldn’t reject it. They were good at filling you with compliments while also keeping those comments consistent in order to keep the balance right for the bond. You were unaware what was happening. The more you processed the worse they got. They found it easier to take away yourself piece by piece rather than face their trauma. Now I don’t mean talk about what happened in their childhood. I mean they never held their hands up and held themselves accountable for how they treat others because of this.
They could have a deep deep fear that they will end up being that hurt child again but we’ll never know for sure because they won’t admit to it. . .
A narc has the ability to give you what you lack in yourself once they know what that is. At first you think it’s great that they want to know everything about you, but it’s for a reason.. Their focus is switched on more when you talk about your trauma and weaknesses because knowledge is power and control. They want to know how to break you when they feel it build within themselves .. They turn into that person you have the desire to be with and they pull you in. Would a mild bit of jealousy be normal in a relationship? Be aware of it as a redflag anyway and observe it for any increase. At the same time you wont even be focused on if they like you…because the action that you are consciously doing changing your focus and protecting you.
During my own childhood my older brother was consistently being so verbally and physically abusive towards me. It was like he despised me. The Narcissist and my brother caused the same name feeling inside me except with the Narc I was more disconnected. Their disgust and anger was was aimed at me regularly so the neuropathways for dysfunctional communication with the Narc were already lit up brightly due to how my older brother communicated with me. I forgive my brother because we don’t see each other much anymore and there is no point being bitter as it drains my energy. When we do have interactions, it’s better than when we were kids.
Because they are seriously psychologically damaged. Because they wanted to know everything about you at the start of the relationship and now they know how to use that information to cause psychological damage to you. Sure when you first told them personal stuff they seemed sooo understanding, just so you would share more with them. The more knowledge they have the more power they have over you and that is exactly what they use on you because now they know what will break down your self, making you vulnerable and easier to manipulate. Your broken self will abandon you feeling nothing but negativity and emptiness inside. That’s how they can make you hate yourself. They bring up your past and put more fuel on it causing a reaction out of you. A negative reaction released within you = weak minded. They know how to bring your vibration down to their level as a temporary relief to their own unresolved trauma which is not your responsibility
They are paranoid about everything and everything they view is toxic and dysfunctional. That kind of situation is not something your SELF wants to vibe with so as a result your self then fades from within you. Your inner self will only take one step toward you when you take one step back from the toxic person. .
If you could see your situation how would it look?
The Narcissist needs an empath because an empath will most likely put others first and would never want to hurt someone so they are the ideal match for them. If you are the empath and fall into this trap, then you become their shield.
When their own past trauma builds up inside them, that causes a trigger. They are then being controlled by their ego, so instead of looking inwards and taking their own arrows, they place you in front of them so that you take their arrows over and over again.
But as long as you are their shield, they don’t take any arrows. They hide behind you. They let you take their arrows in cycles over and over again everytime they break you down. Their arrows don’t belong in you, only your own arrows do as a way of healing your own past trauma. You are being treated as if you caused their childhood trauma. They actually don’t deserve you. In a perfect world they would put the shield down and take all of their arrows with the intention of awareness and healing. But does that happen? I’m not sure 🤷🏻♀️ So it’s up to you to jump out of the Narc’s hands and do what you can to get out for good.
I couldn’t find a good unisex figure for the photo. These posts are aimed at male and female narcissists!