After all the thoughts he had implanted in my mind over and over with consistency, focus and determination eventually I had hated myself more then I ever had been before.
Everytime I told him to get out for good, I would get the response as “If you kick me out I will end my life and leave a note saying you made me do it.” so then I wouldn’t kick him out. It happened time and time again with the same situation and the same words with the same response so nothing changed.
I was the worse person in the world.
Everyone agreed with him because he told me time and time again.
I didn’t see anybody anymore really.
I felt I didn’t deserve my child.
This was my life.
I didn’t know how to get out.
If he ended his life then I could end up living with officially being worse person to everyone he had ever talked about me to, after his death.
I was picturing life to be extremely difficult after his death. My anxiety thoughts went through the roof.
He is an amazing communicator and speaker whereas I shut down, so I felt hopeless on what to do.
I needed proof,
I needed backup so if he did anything like he said he would then at least I had proof.
I decided to start secretly recording him on my phone.