Our baby was over 1 year old and living with me in an apartment. Compared to when I was pregnant, it was now just me and my baby so I wasn’t seeing people as much….. except for her Dad who was coming over a few days a week. It was nice to have the company but I was not interested in any kind of relationship with him. Anytime he played with her he would look at me and I would look away… I won’t lie but I still felt a little uncomfortable that he thought we were plaing happy families or he thought something was going to happen because he was over so much. I was obviously emotionally unavailable but to let him come over felt like the right to do.
He suggested a few beers one night then we got drunk which ended in us in the bedroom. It was for fun but only because I had been feeling lonely and at 21 years old I was in the mindset of missing out on any fun. The next day I felt so uncomfortable that my first thought was ” This cannot happen again.” but did it happen again? Of course it did but I was never while sober! I felt like a woman and not just a Mom
When I look back I can see that I WAS uncomfortable and there was a reason for why I felt that I needed to be drunk but when you are having an argument in your head and questioning whether you are doing the right thing at 21 years old you really don’t know the answers so you let someone else take the lead simply because you don’t know your own mind. Letting someone take the lead in what you do can be an extremely dangerous thing to do as they can take you anywhere.